What the centaur saw

Commander Trouble Kelp of the Lower Elements Police was a courageous man. There were, of course, people he was wary of; Opal Koboi, Artemis Fowl and his bodyguard Butler, and of course Holly Short (that girl could really kick) But, like most brave men, Trubs had an arch nemesis, one so terrifying he felt like curling into a ball and hiding under the nearest table when greeted by this creature.

This was, of course, his mother.

Violet Kelp was as far from a beautiful, delicate flower as one can get. At 110 cm she was gargantuan (for a fairy at least) with shoulders broader than even her eldest son. The wooden rolling pin she wielded with the grace and skill only a true pro could muster did not help the matter one bit.

Of course, it had been a while since Trouble had borne the brunt of the wooden kitchen utensil, but it had not lost the terror factor. A fact dearest Trubs was rudely reminded of as he stepped into his apartment one evening to see Violet Kelp, rolling pin smacking persistently against one hand in the position which usually suggested that someone was going to get a beating.

It had been over a year since this mother and son pair had last met. This was perhaps why, upon returning home from work the Commander was not equipped to deal with the ordeal that awaited him.

"Trouble Kelp, how dare you! I hope for your sake you have a good explanation." screamed the elf. Her son winced instinctively, all the while wondering what he had done this time.

"Yes mother." whimpered the elf, praying to any and all omnipotent beings that Foaly had not placed a camera in his apartment. His tough- guy reputation didn't need another beating after the initial Butler fiasco.

"Don't 'yes mother' me, you insolent whipper snapper" screamed the woman, backing her eldest into the shut door as she flailed the wooden weapon around. "Do you know what happened last weekend?" without waiting for a reply the elf plowed on. "Your darling younger brother came home for a visit with A HANGNAIL."

Commander Kelp mentally rolled his eyes. Of course, Grub was being over-dramatic again. That kid really deserved a good, firm lesson.

"Didn't I tell you to look after him?"

"Y-yes mother" stammered the once proud elf, now only a shell of the brave officer he normally portrayed.

"I said don't 'yes mother' me!" screeched the older of the two, raising the rolling pin to the ready position.

Trouble Kelp didn't need to think twice. If life in the LEP had taught him anything it was that some battles weren't worth fighting. Within a split second the officer had made a quick about-turn and sprinted out the door as fast as elf legs could go. After all, he did have a younger brother who was cruisin' for a bruisin'. Not to mention a vicious, bloody thirsty troll, er mother, hot on his heels

Several miles away a certain centaur was smirking and rubbing his hands with glee. Somehow he didn't think the commander would dare to even threaten to make any budget-cuts in the near future.